Tuesday, March 18, 2008
For some reason, today my cats Socks and Silver were romping and chasing and jumping all over (including on me) when I tried to nap, and thus I have wound up back in the office, running on adrenalin like I do when I am unable to rest as my medications command. I know napping isn't really an interesting topic but hopefully the pictures I took of those too little ruffians will make up for boring you in regards to my nap-time. ;-)
The picture below is what I found when I went downstairs a little while ago to see what those two kitties were up to. They were not in their usual spots in the living room, but instead Silver was on my bed and Socks was on my dresser, getting into old camera stuff (my old camera case, containing my old film camera, is up there, plus my old digital camera).
A little later on, I spotted Socks on one of the cat perches in the living room as shown, followed by Silver burrowed in pillows on the couch -- both of them were in poses that I hadn't seen before. I guess this is their day to be original.
Sometimes I call them "naughty cats", more in jest than seriousness, but today I think they pretty much approached being genuinely naughty! LOL!
I have nausea now and again and I wonder if it is grief-related; I didn't ask during my appointment yesterday. I was told that if I could get out of bed and function, I was doing okay and that I was on track with what is expected after a major loss. (For those who don't know, I lost my mother on December 30th.) The counselor, Susan, said that replaying certain aspects of what had happened over and over again in my mind was very normal, too.
I was quite surprised when I mentioned now knowing if Mom had been fair in her will or not, or if she had left me with less of an inheritance due to our religious differences, and Susan recommended that I check with the Executor, my brother Frank, to find out as long as I could word what I said so that it was obvious I wasn't after money. I wrote him a note last night, saying exactly that about money, but that I wanted to know for emotional reasons, and received the answer from him this morning that we were all treated the same in the will. He indicated that there may not be much to share, and I can imagine that to be the case since the house is quite small and, when sold, there will be final expenses to come out of the sale amount. I do feel much better just knowing. Frank said to ask him any other questions I had, but I can't think of any more.
I was also given an exercise to do and the name of a helpful book, which I have ordered. I may do the exercise this afternoon or evening; I haven't decided. It may help to settle my mixed feelings down.
I asked her if she thought it would help me to talk about what I was experiencing with online friends, and she said that was entirely up to me. I have spoken with some people about it online but up until now I felt somewhat protective of what she and I talked about yesterday. I love my online friends and family but whether they mean to or not, some can get preachy or judgmental, and I get aggravated when that happens.
I will be going back to see her, most likely for the last appointment, in just over a month. It will be the week after I return from my April coast trip, which is something I am very much looking forward to despite the price of gas to drive out there.
At any rate, it was good to know that I'm on track in my healing process. Susan mentioned how very significant a mother is in our lives, and thus the difficulty most people have with that death, and actually that it is harder to heal when there are mixed feelings. I had heard that before and it seems to go along with what I am experiencing.
I ran a few errands this morning, and I am noticing that I seem to be more relaxed and less anxious these days, although I would still rather stay home (which, of course, isn't possible with my work and my personal needs for food and household supplies). Perhaps part of the tremendous anxiety I experienced for so long was due to Mom's many-year fight with kidney disease, and thus the dialysis she had to have. I felt similar anxiety when Steve was ill for 9 years with his chronic lymphocytic leukemia.
At any rate, I would encourage anyone who has suffered a difficult loss to have grief counseling. Susan is a social worker, and I don't believe they're too hard to find. In my HMO, they seem to be well-versed in bereavement issues. So far, I am very glad that I went in to see her yesterday. It's great when someone like this gives me a nudge that sends me in a beneficial direction.