GOODIES ARE ARRIVING!

I just received my new car vac (Dustbuster) and the two books I ordered from Amazon.com using the gift certificate son J.D. and DIL Kris gave me for my birthday (the first of a number of items I was able to order) -- "A Strange Fit of Passion" by Anita Shreve and "The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted: And Other Small Acts of Liberation" (a book of short stories) by Elizabeth Berg. I am delighted that they came so quickly! I will spend part of the afternoon figuring out how to operate the car vac. I suspect I may need a battery or batteries for it.

In addition, in the mail today I received something that isn't a birthday gift, but is necessary and which I will enjoy using: stamps. What's special about these is that I ordered 2 sheets of twelve "Year of the Rat" stamps, as I was born in the Chinese Year of the Rat, plus a roll of 100 42-cent stamps for when the price increase comes through next month (although I don't know the exact date when that's going to happen). The Year of the Rat stamps are -- amazingly -- quite cute and appeal to me despite the fact that I don't generally like rats. ;-)

In terms of other gifts I have received, I spent some time yesterday picking out pictures and cutting them to size for the picture coasters that Cindy gave me. It worked out perfectly to have the 4 coasters, one for each of the 4 grandchildren. Here is how they turned out:



And Socks had been wanting all too much to help me do that, so I distracted her while I cut out the pictures with a sample picture from the coaster, and I was at least able to get the pics in the coasters before she decided to take over, as shown below:



She became bitey (spell check says that's not a word, but I think it is) when I tried to get her away from the coasters so I could put them in the holder, and she kept biting me when she could get to my hands the rest of the day. Today, she is being good, though.

*****

My progress in the book "Understanding Your Grief" and the accompanying journal is going well. I found a question that I didn't have the answer for last night and I e-mailed my brother Frank about it. He wrote back this morning, which I very much appreciated. I am not going to detail it as I don't want to get too morbid on a public blog but I will just say that my visit with my grief counselor (which will have been my last appointment) the other day went well and she was going to send a positive note to my doctor. She felt I am handling my emotions in a very good way. She was happy to see the progress I have made in the book and journal. It is very therapeutic to write my thoughts and feelings -- it is healing. One thing the book and journal say is that we never get over the death of a loved one. Each person is special and our relationship with that person unique, so there is no "getting over it" or total resolution of our grief. We can find ways to honor that grief and celebrate the life of the person who has passed away.

*****

I love the Maxine above. We all need hugs. I notice that as a person living alone, I sometimes feel starved for hugs. It's good I have my cats to provide their warmth in sitting on my lap or when I pick one (usually Socks) up to cuddle, although she will squirm quite quickly to get away.

The signature tag is the last one I sent out to the tags list, and I also made one and sent it to neighbor Bobi, who is an artist and very gifted when it comes to crafts. She loved it, she said.

*****

As you can tell, I am over my rant of yesterday. But I still feel strongly about what I said. I hope I didn't scare people away with my comments about the forwards I dislike!

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I wonder if Socks will let me sleep now. If not, I will have to struggle through another afternoon, half awake. I suppose I could keep her here in the office if she became too disruptive, but I hate to do that. So I may be back later when I am hopefully more alert, although I'm not sure what more I would have to say, other than to perhaps gripe about the alarm that keeps going off at the chicken houses next door. (As J.D. said a number of years ago when I mentioned that problem -- maybe the chickens are making a run for it!) ;-)

INCONSIDERATE CATSFor

INCONSIDERATE CATS

For some reason, today my cats Socks and Silver were romping and chasing and jumping all over (including on me) when I tried to nap, and thus I have wound up back in the office, running on adrenalin like I do when I am unable to rest as my medications command. I know napping isn't really an interesting topic but hopefully the pictures I took of those too little ruffians will make up for boring you in regards to my nap-time. ;-)

The picture below is what I found when I went downstairs a little while ago to see what those two kitties were up to. They were not in their usual spots in the living room, but instead Silver was on my bed and Socks was on my dresser, getting into old camera stuff (my old camera case, containing my old film camera, is up there, plus my old digital camera).



A little later on, I spotted Socks on one of the cat perches in the living room as shown, followed by Silver burrowed in pillows on the couch -- both of them were in poses that I hadn't seen before. I guess this is their day to be original.





Sometimes I call them "naughty cats", more in jest than seriousness, but today I think they pretty much approached being genuinely naughty! LOL!

*****

I have nausea now and again and I wonder if it is grief-related; I didn't ask during my appointment yesterday. I was told that if I could get out of bed and function, I was doing okay and that I was on track with what is expected after a major loss. (For those who don't know, I lost my mother on December 30th.) The counselor, Susan, said that replaying certain aspects of what had happened over and over again in my mind was very normal, too.

I was quite surprised when I mentioned now knowing if Mom had been fair in her will or not, or if she had left me with less of an inheritance due to our religious differences, and Susan recommended that I check with the Executor, my brother Frank, to find out as long as I could word what I said so that it was obvious I wasn't after money. I wrote him a note last night, saying exactly that about money, but that I wanted to know for emotional reasons, and received the answer from him this morning that we were all treated the same in the will. He indicated that there may not be much to share, and I can imagine that to be the case since the house is quite small and, when sold, there will be final expenses to come out of the sale amount. I do feel much better just knowing. Frank said to ask him any other questions I had, but I can't think of any more.

I was also given an exercise to do and the name of a helpful book, which I have ordered. I may do the exercise this afternoon or evening; I haven't decided. It may help to settle my mixed feelings down.

I asked her if she thought it would help me to talk about what I was experiencing with online friends, and she said that was entirely up to me. I have spoken with some people about it online but up until now I felt somewhat protective of what she and I talked about yesterday. I love my online friends and family but whether they mean to or not, some can get preachy or judgmental, and I get aggravated when that happens.

I will be going back to see her, most likely for the last appointment, in just over a month. It will be the week after I return from my April coast trip, which is something I am very much looking forward to despite the price of gas to drive out there.

At any rate, it was good to know that I'm on track in my healing process. Susan mentioned how very significant a mother is in our lives, and thus the difficulty most people have with that death, and actually that it is harder to heal when there are mixed feelings. I had heard that before and it seems to go along with what I am experiencing.

I ran a few errands this morning, and I am noticing that I seem to be more relaxed and less anxious these days, although I would still rather stay home (which, of course, isn't possible with my work and my personal needs for food and household supplies). Perhaps part of the tremendous anxiety I experienced for so long was due to Mom's many-year fight with kidney disease, and thus the dialysis she had to have. I felt similar anxiety when Steve was ill for 9 years with his chronic lymphocytic leukemia.

At any rate, I would encourage anyone who has suffered a difficult loss to have grief counseling. Susan is a social worker, and I don't believe they're too hard to find. In my HMO, they seem to be well-versed in bereavement issues. So far, I am very glad that I went in to see her yesterday. It's great when someone like this gives me a nudge that sends me in a beneficial direction.